In the wake of President Bush’s bizarre attempt to equate Barack Obama and Nazi appeaser Neville Chamberlain in front of the Israeli Knesset (did Obama give away Czechoslovakia — already?), comes another fantasist’s review of events. This time it’s about the future rather than the past. John McCain made a speech yesterday in Columbus, Ohio that contained some real whoppers about the state of the world in 2013, four years into a McCain presidency …
“By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom. The Iraq war has been won. Iraq is a functioning democracy, although still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of tyranny and centuries of sectarian tension. Violence still occurs, but it is spasmodic and much reduced.”
Here are some other predictions put forward by the Republican Nostradamus in that same speech (this is real, no kidding. Just say the word “check” after each as you go down the list)…
- Osama bin Laden – captured or killed
- Reduced influence of Taliban in Afghanistan
- Al Queda, though still alive, will have no “safe haven”
- The economy will be “fixed,” including several years of “robust economic growth”
- Improved U.S. public education system
- More accessible health care
- The “Southern border” will be secure and illegal immigrants will be arrested and deported
Through an inside source within the McCain camp, we at the PW were able to obtain a copy of some of the notes that were edited out of that speech. Also, according to McCain, in the year 2013 …
- Upon his arrest, Osama bin Laden will own up to other “crimes against the United States,” including backing Rudy Guiliani’s failed 2008 and 2012 bids for president and 2011’s upteenth “Rocky” remake. He takes no responsiblity for Chuck Norris, however.
- Having been reduced to a few guys with hand-me-down Disney T-shirts given to them by Halliburton workers, the Taliban will reform as a regional soccer team and compete in the World Cup
- McCain’s healthcare plan, which is heavily dependent on his “apple a day” prescription, will not only provide apple growers with windfall profits the oil companies would be jealous of, all leftover apples will be used as the keystone of McCain’s teacher incentive program in his wildly successful Education initiative
- McCain’s “chicken in every pot” economic plan will be a boon to both chicken farmers and marijuana growers alike
- Having secured the Southern border and arrested and deported all 5 million illegal immigrants, there will be huge demand for Canadian nannies, gardeners and Burrito makers resulting in the “10-day Taco War” with our neighbor to the North
- McCain will be so ecstatic about the successes of his administration, he will choose to voluntarily step down after his re-election, making his VP Mitt Romney president. Upon hearing of this miraculous transition, the angel Maroni will descend from the Heavens once again and prove to the world all of the articles of the Mormon faith are indeed true. The nation’s capital will move from D.C. to Salt Lake City and Donny Osmond will be named Vice President.
- Oh, and the presidency of George W. Bush will be held up as a beacon for future presidents. Plans for carving his face on Mount Rushmore have already begun.